FreelanceSweat

This exchange happened fairly recently.

CLIENT: I need a website. I have a thriving network marketing business and obviously the World Wide Web should help me grow even more!

MY BRAIN: MLM? Oh crap.
MY MOUTH: OK. Want me to write your content too, or would you prefer to provide all that?

CLIENT: Why does it matter?

MY BRAIN: There’s more work, genius.
MY MOUTH: Well, copywriting is additional work, so I charge a bit extra if you want that on top of Web design. The project will cost less if the content’s all from you and I don’t…

CLIENT: Well, I was thinking to pay you a percentage of what I make through the website.

MY BRAIN: Uh-huh.
MY MOUTH: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: It’ll work out nicely for you. I make $200K a year!

MY BRAIN: Hmmmm…
MY MOUTH: What percentage? And bear in mind that if I take this on, the cut will be from the whole $200K, and more as it grows of course, since with typical MLM ops I don’t think you can isolate…

CLIENT: Well, I’m not quite making $200K just yet.

MY BRAIN: …
MY MOUTH: …

CLIENT: I just started last month, but I now have 7 in my downline, more than twice the projected 3! At this rate, I’ll be pulling in $200K annually in a year or sooner!

MY BRAIN: Mothereffing hell…
MY MOUTH: Bringing your attention back to how much I charge to do the work, I require 50% of the estimated job cost upfront, then [yada yada yada]

Eldon Sarte
http://eldonsarte.com

Back when I built custom MS-DOS database applications (Clipper), one of my clients was a small partnership which also had some private investors. It eventually came to light (to me, anyway, since I worked closely with him) that the junior partner was going to make a move for total control of the operation.

JR. PARTNER: I’ll be meeting with the investors tomorrow night.

ME: OK.

JR. PARTNER: I’m going to tell them that [Sr. Partner] is basically incompetent, and that I should be put in charge of the business.

ME: Oh, OK.

He then goes into an extensive monologue on company “problems” and his plans, all while I’m fiddling around with the app on the PC. Eventually, he winds down.

JR. PARTNER: So, are you with me?

ME: Huh?

JR. PARTNER: Are you going to go to the meeting with the investors with me tomorrow night and back up my position?

ME: You know, this really is none of my business. I’m just the guy you guys hired to build this app for you.

JR. PARTNER: So you won’t be there?

ME: No, I don’t think so.

I then start printing a bunch of transaction and sales reports for him to look over, which, if memory serves, was really why we were having that particular meeting in the first place. He looks over them as the printer spits out the pages.

JR. PARTNER: These are too good.

ME: Huh?

JR. PARTNER: The numbers. Too good. The investors will side with him.

ME: …

JR. PARTNER: Can you do something about these reports?

ME: What do you mean, reformat them?

JR. PARTNER: No, the numbers. Change them. Make them look a lot worse.

ME: …

Talk about warning signs. gave him some technical BS on why the data couldn’t be changed after it’s been reported and hurriedly wrapped up all my work in less than a week. Made sure I had my final check in hand upon installation of the last deliverable, and I was out of there. Last I heard, the company had folded within 3 months.

Eldon Sarte
http://eldonsarte.com

I specialize in building websites and blogs for the Christian community (churches, non-profits, etc.). After sending a bunch of emails back and forth, probably an hour on a proposal and maybe 30 minutes or so chatting on the phone, this client was ready to sign. We had just scheduled a face-to-face at their office and we were saying our goodbyes when…

(Note, I am a Latina, with a very “Christian Latina” name)

PROSPECT: You’re not a Jew are you?

ME: Um, excuse me?

PROSPECT: Are you Jewish? We refuse to give our money to those people.

ME: Wasn’t Christ a Jew? You don’t want to give your money to Christ?

PROSPECT: Please answer the question.

ME: No, I’m Catholic. But I am a lesbian if that means any…

PROSPECT: [click]

Anonymous

A happy hour friend says he can really tell it’s summertime: The number of support calls for his apps increases. From temps. Like this one:

PROG: I’ll have to drop by and reset the password then. But are you sure you’re typing it in right? Passwords are case-sensitive.

TEMP: Heck yeah, I got it right. I was watching her type it in at training.

PROG: What’s the password?

TEMP: asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk…

True? Not true? Sounds more like the latter. But it’s funny.

Eldon Sarte
http://eldonsarte.com

I do a bit of designing on the side — logos, t-shhirts, mugs, that kind of stuff. I met someone at a local business women’s networking dinner who asked me to design a special event logo to be imprinted and sold on t-shirts, coffee mugs and other “specialty advertising” merchandise. I gave her an estimate of how much I would charge for my services.

HER: This is an excellent opportunity for you, high visibility! So I was thinking I’ll pay you a percentage of net proceeds.

ME: I know my accounting terminology. So you’re saying that not only won’t you pay me for my work, you want to pay me ONLY if you make a profit?

HER: Look at the big picture, this is really good PR for you!

ME: OK, you told me your husband’s an orthodontist. My 13yo daughter wants to be a cheerleader, but says she won’t make it since her teeth’s crooked. So, here’s what: Call your husband and set it up so he can do braces for my girl. If she then makes it into the cheerleading squad, I’ll pay him. Deal?

HER: You won’t get anywhere with that attitude.

Ginny Design